Just being there for someone…

People who love you, always try to protect you. Their concern for your happiness makes them stop you from doing certain things that could hurt you. In the garb of protection, sometimes we do not let our loved ones breathe…

Many a times, I have had my well wishers advising me not to take a certain step in life which according to their calculations will only give me hurt and pain. With due respects to all my dear ones who care for me, I have always followed my heart which also means not listening to what they said but doing my own thing. There is a companion of mine who once said that you can either fear or you can live! When you are protected, you miss chances of learning certain things in life which are essential to broaden your horizons of understanding and appreciating things around. I would also quote an incident here where a 3 year old girl was very confidently negotiating a narrow path which connected twos sides of a river. She was unaware till then that there could be a possibility of falling and hurting herself in the process and hence fearless. At one end was her grandfather watching her perform the delicate act who was aware of this possibility and was tempted to make her aware that she could fall and hurt herself. While he was watching her he decided otherwise and simply prayed that she reaches the other side without falling off. The grandfather made a choice of not distracting her by calling her or following her. Later when he was reflecting upon the incident he realized that the girl did not need his support or guidance and that if he would have tried to protect her at that point of time, she would have always asked for support. He also realized that it was more of his need to protect or his fear of losing her that tempted him to call her back. In everyday life, we have many such people who have lived more than what we have, have seen a lot happening in life but they should also remember that learning happens only when one is left on his own. I am not trying to propagate that one deliberately keeps hurting himself saying that he is learning. One has to also learn to love himself but like any other paradox in life, has also got to test himself. Because, a bird however precious if always kept in cage, will lose its beauty if it cannot release its core purpose of flying and trading new skies.

We can always provide our loved ones with data from our own experiences but also understand that for everyone to meet his core purpose he has to carve his own path of learning and growth. It is in this act of concern and not caging that love flourishes. When we love, it is important to understand that even though we love, we do not and cannot possess. Possession is an act of insecurity and fear. Similarly so, protection or an overdose of it, does not let another individual grow. The essence of love is that it is free flowing. It is beautiful when the two individuals in it, can dance and celebrate their own sense of uniqueness while enjoying the togetherness. This is applicable in a parent child relationship, a soul mate relationship and much more. When we are involved in these close relationships, we often tend to loathe ourselves on the other. We assume a right on the other for in the name of loving him/ her. It is like declaring sole proprietorship over somebody’s life and declaring to him that nobody but me understands what is good for you, for I am the one who loves you the most. We tend to oversee that we are together yet we are separate. When we oversee this, we HOLD that someone and deprive him of his growth.

Parents tend to forget that they have been instruments in the process of a life entering this world. Respect grows manifold when a child is set free to make his own choices. Here I also work with a presumption that when an atmosphere of respect prevails for an individual, it is often reciprocated by the child or another individual. It is when he feels trusted that he respects you more and values you more. It is in this act of being there for somebody when needed that love is manifested. Being able to do this involves one’s faith in the universe, understanding that for a seed to grow into a plant it requires space and watering from time to time. This watering can be in terms of various moments of experience sharing through which value building takes place. A gardener can only watch a seed grow into a plant, and nourish it. Finally, he has to wait and watch for what the seed turns into. Nobody can ever own nature, for it is available for everybody to enjoy its beauty. A gardener cannot stop birds taking away a few leaves or few of them breaking its branches to make their own nests. A tree is meant to sway and give breeze, provide shelter and many other purposes that it serves. Sharing is an essential part of nature. It is only through sharing that one becomes more beautiful. A child while growing into an adult is a seed that is gaining roots, seeking nourishment so that one day he becomes an offering that can be shared in this world. Over a period of time, if he gets proper nourishment that he realizes what he has come here for. What is it that he can offer back to the world? He shapes himself and is ready to share.

Realizing oneself or one’s potential is possible only through exploration, through discovery which is impossible without hurt and pain. When we are in pain, we integrate with ourselves much more than what we do when are in joy. Exploring, experimenting, practicing is what helps one reach himself. It is important for us to know that our relationships should act as enablers of this realization. Relationships should facilitate self discovery and not curb it. Often, it is the sense of freedom with somebody that draws you closer to him, needless to say that a sense of possession drives others away from you. Withholding is against the laws of nature…

“ I will be there for you whenever you need me” or “ I will always be besides you” is healthier than “ I decide for you” or “ I know what is right for you”

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LOVE happens just once????

For social ease in the Indian scenario we have been made to believe the above but experiences of many a evolved soul says more than once is not just possible but is often the way it is. We fall into a trap of evaluating love calling it real or unreal. If it turns into marriage it is real or else its not, what a conditioning we are given and that too for generations together. There can be no right or wrong about love. It simply “IS”.

Here, I am not providing justifications for the stray affairs that happen or emerge out of want for just physical intimacy. Love is an ocean, it is like the air that we breathe which keeps us alive and keeps us going. Sometime earlier I have made a mention saying that Love as an element is always present in each of us and it is some external stimuli that makes it overflow from us and touch another soul or even an activity. Other activity could be love for music, for books, photography..it is just anything or just that one thing that makes you feel that you have come Alive.

What interests me is the complexities that we give rise to when this love happens to be for more than one person( read as if between life partners). When a person feels love for another, gets married and settles down, why we knock down the possibility of him being in love with some other individual as well. May be we are unsure of ourselves, may be we do not trust ourselves that we can live with the fact that one may love more than one person at the same time. It for sure requires a rock solid understanding of your self and an eternal openness to accept things as they happen. We possibly feel threatened by our own heart’s calling. Some of my friends who were born years earlier than what I was confess in me saying that there have been instances where after a point of time in their lives, when they discovered themselves more, they approached their then partners to communicate and expected them to understand their process of evolution which in essence is CHANGE. Not very often it has happened that two people in love accept change in their partners and with grace. Somewhere down the line two individuals forget that they are so and that one is exposed to certain experiences that the other is not. For example, a housewife can only imagine what her spouse is experiencing at work which also depends on the amount of sharing done by the other partner. The level of understanding of one is limited to his or her exposure and experiences. In many cases couples experience a disconnect after a period of time, could be 5, 10 , 15 or more years. This so happens because when two decided to unite, they were on a common platform , later one may outgrow the other. The one who has outgrown, does make an attempt to make the other understand what he is going through and how he is evolving each day. He expects his life partner to understand and appreciate the changes(read growth) but may not always find it so.

Whenever we find an individual who appreciates, complements and understands us we begin to love him. This does happen to many couples in marriage. Some separate and live with the other person and some beautifully and subtly manage love and responsibility. This phenomenon can occur many times in one’s life, it is we who have to first understand ourselves and accept that such a thing is possible.

Quite often I question the definition of a successful marriage- is it the number of years that one spends under one roof with another (with due respects to all the couples who do live together, no comments on that). The society has often looked down upon people who divorce and remarry another individual. It is through these rights and wrongs that we let ourselves get influenced and not follow our hearts. I have also come across children who hate their parent for loving some other person than their mother/ father. It is much later or may be never that the child understands and appreciates the choice his parent made.

I have come to understand that we learn through relationships. We are Given souls in different relationships for us to learn different subjects. Physically Close are those from whom we or being with whom we got to learn the most. Also, this happens over many cycles of lifetimes. What is known to your heart, your inner being is not known to anybody else, it cannot be explained in words. When you choose not to listen to your inner voice, you choose fear and not life. And yes, living the path your heart chooses is definitely a matter of courage.

Sum it up by Kahlil Gibran’s quote- Do not try to direct Love, for if it finds you worthy enough, it will direct you into its own course…Have faith!

If you let it go , you do not care enough..Is it so?

When was the last time you tried your best to salvage an already broken relationship? OR made some offers to an employee who had decided to leave the corporate world for good but YOU wanted him to be there…Even in a tricky situation like an ailing person on the anvil of death who wants nothing but peace to breathe the last few moments, we try and hold on. Why do we do so?

In work or personal relationships it is difficult for us to let go off a person. Many a times in a marriage when two people cannot even bear to see each other eye to eye, they HOLD ON and claim that they are salvaging the sanctity of the institution of marriage. At work, if a person clearly declares his choice of leaving, we again try to make him offers to stay back which may or may not be lucrative or worth a consideration. Whether he takes it up or not is an entirely different issue. The question here is why do we try to hold on?

One major reason could be the way we are brought up. If a person is independent and wishes to live life on his own terms, he is looked upon as person who does not care enough for the people around him. If two people in a marriage are not compatible, they cannot comfortably separate because of social stigma saying “ 2 people who seek divorce cannot really sustain a relationship” and hence can never make good parents if they separate. Whoever said that living under one roof was testimony to a healthy relationship and much healthier upbringing needs a new perspective.

Our concern then is the superficiality and not the core, we look at quantity and not quality. For example: Measure for a successful relationship whether work or personal is the no. of years one has lived or shall I say learnt to live with the other. However damaging it may be for one’s personal growth, a child between 2 incompatible adults is expected to live with them and abide by them. A person who wishes to leave the world in peace is forced in to the pains and further sufferings of getting into an Intensive Care Unit and being treated as another machine, simply because his family members who care for him cannot see him die but cannot even understand that every moment his death being prolonged is like living a million deaths at a time.

From the little experiences that I have had, I see that it is important to sustain but it is also important to let go when required. If we respect a person, we would also respect his decisions indeed. When we care for someone we would care for his wellbeing irrespective of whether we feature in it or not. One of my angels once said to me “ Love is never about holding on, it is more about letting go ..”

At the end of the day, this is what is evident even in nature. You can enjoy and cherish the beauty of things but cannot hold the thing on… try to hold a flower for more than a day or a butterfly, you can but there will be just the skeleton, the spirit gone…