The Changing room-II

It is scary..to not know. To not know where you are headed when you have always felt like you did. You took pride in your clarity of purpose and alignment of every thought, action and word. It makes you question the very foundation that you once stood on and built yourself. Fears and insecurities begin to surface and your sense of certainty in who you are isn’t certain anymore. It is a place where you feel that you are simply ‘in between’. Every aspect of your life is being gently ripped apart. Tears flow through the eyes unexplained as if the soul needs to be cleansed. Almost as if the well inside is full and needs to pour outside. You feel slightly embarrassed sharing this with friends who have known you to be their anchor in trying times. Friends who have seen you as somebody who is sure of her dreams. It is that ‘sure’ which I am no longer sure about. There seems to be a state of confusion or transformation to be more precise. It is something like you are standing in the center and everything else around you is moving and you are a mere spectator, clueless and yet in it.

As often cited in textbooks, these moments catch you and begin to surface more when you are alone. You can ignore it once, twice perhaps thrice but the fourth time you simply cannot. I have postponed the welling up of these thoughts several times until now and somehow today I could no longer do it. I knew that I had to write it down. A lot of my dreams in the past few months had signaled me towards change and transformation. However I did not exactly know what that ‘feels’ like. It feels like something is being pulled out of you..a sense of death and dying in a way. Sometimes you feel lost and begin wondering ‘how did I get here’ and ‘Do I need to be some place else’. It is soul wrenching and a quiet pain. It is subdued for the most part but it for sure is there. Any traces of ‘ I know who I am’ and thereby the swollen ego syndrome is all washed away. Perhaps this is what the tears are for..to wash away, to cleanse, to make you humble and more human in your imperfections.

There are moments where I want to hide my face into someone’s chest, someone who can assure me that ‘this too shall pass’ and that I am with you no matter what. The anxiety of being human and the need to be rescued. Feeling as I do, I also have no choice but to be with myself right now ( I laughed as I wrote this). Is it the dark night of the soul? May be. All the times when I would wonder ‘how can someone be afraid of change’ and one just needs to have faith are all being offered to me as personal experiences. Don’t know if anyone likes being in this phase but as always I am hoping that I can shine through this and emerge a clear diamond. I often say that strong headed or stubborn people need harder lessons to get through their tough heads and guess what..I am in one right now! Taking my bow to life and spirit!

Seems like I need to simply surrender and then my ego comes right back at me telling me to ‘do’ something. It says, you cannot simply sit back and let this happen, you need to take charge. These are perhaps my mind’s attempts to hold on to whatever I know, that is if I know anythingJ

The Changing room

Past few weeks things have been changing around me. It is probably more appropriate to say  that these changes are big enough for me to notice them. I feel like I am inside a changing room trying on new clothes and find out what I like:)

Old is making way for the new. I think about the process a snake goes through when shedding the old skin and coming into its new skin. I have heard that it is painful for the snake but it happens anyways. It is natural and there is no way around it. The snake endures this process for days and then shines in it’s new avatar. The purpose of the ‘old’ is fulfilled and it has lived its course. Imagine how would it be if our skin did not expand in response to the growth occurring inside the body. When we grow physically, for the most part we are excited and even there we do experience growing pains.

Change by itself is a natural and neutral occurrence. We inflict the pain/pleasure upon us by choosing to do so. We can resist change as much as we want and it will still happen.

We can exert some influence by utilizing our free will and wait for what turns up. Most likely whatever is in your best interest will come to you even if it is an outcome different than one you had visualized. At the beginning of this year I had created a vision board mentioning a specific amount of income for myself through a certain profession. The ‘what’ of my intentionality is being fulfilled and I had to adjust my sails for a totally different ‘how’. This is what was needed for me to upgrade and fortunately I was able to welcome it with open arms. I needed new hardware:) This is what I mean by using free will to affect change. And there is always an element of our higher good which is not visible to us immediately but is more of a feeling. Go with it when your heart tells you ‘it is going to be ok’.

Change is good:) This is how I choose to see it!

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‘I’ ness to ‘We’ ness

‘We’ ness i.e. Inter-dependence is a stage where I believe I am today and I still am a work in progress. For most of my 20’s I have been independent in terms of earning money and making life choices based on what I deemed was right for me. Although it sounds great I believe while I was being independent I missed out on some valuable suggestions and advice that was being offered to me at that point. This period covers a few odd times when I would allow people whom I considered to be mentors nudge me towards a certain path. And that was just that. I have mostly been a person who did things based on what she ‘felt’ was right for her.  I believe it is certainly a much needed attribute while you are finding yourself and creating your sense of identity. Being autonomous is certainly a trait that most people in the Mental Health field would admire in anyone.

Following your journey as a child in a average Indian middle class family, you would be lucky if elders were even remotely interested in hearing what you had to say. Elders are meant to be respected and they ‘knew’ it all. I was fairly lucky because my parents did allow me a certain amount of freedom to decide for myself. Given this socio-cultural context, a lot of children do struggle to become truly independent. I believe I did attain a slightly above average level of autonomy which has helped me until today.

As life would have it, the past few years I have been presented with situations where ifNC - Whitewater_creek I had chosen to continue to be this self-deterministic person, I would have lost some good job opportunities or relationships. There was a point where I had to learn to truly receive inputs from the people around me.  Spiritually I see it as growing beyond the sense of “I” into a secured sense of “We”. It is stage where you are so secured in who you are that you can listen to others even if they have opposing views or suggestions that do not favor your ideologies. This is also something that one can learn only through relationships and through the act of ‘relating’ to another. 

Being inter-dependent is being able to accept support from others when you need it and not being this stubborn strong willful person who simply wants to show others that he/she can survive alone. Being able to reflect and introspect is definitely a quality one needs to be able to admit that he/she was wrong. This also has a lot to do with you being able to trust someone else to have your best interests in his/her mind. You begin to see that you are not alone and that you are not meant to be. Even from a spiritual standpoint we all are connected but it becomes a tad bit difficult to grasp it in the human form when egos get involved in the process.

For me the first step towards acknowledging inter-dependence began with me admitting when I was wrong and accepting another way of looking at or doing something. This stage is also honestly freeing in a way that you are not supposed to be the ‘know it all’, you can ask for help and inputs. Like many other things, it is a change and our egos resist it for as long as possible. There is tremendous richness in being able to draw from this connectedness/togetherness/inter-dependence. It is a space where you continue to be YOU at the core and are able to truly appreciate another’s presence.

Creating your own Ritual-fuel your intentionality

Being born in India where Hindus constitutes majority of the population, rituals were a common occurrence around me. I grew up with different ceremonies and rituals being performed at different times of the year. When you grow up with something you don’t always appreciate it and that’s exactly what happened with me. I was fascinated by the meaning and no one provided me with an answer. Curiosity persisted and I read several books, spoke to some wise friends and also followed my own intuition.

A ritual is defined as a religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order. You may follow the order as passed on by generations and can also create your personal ritual. It is an order that emanates from the center of your being, your heart.

I knew that the presence of all five elements i.e. earth, water, fire, air and ether always brought me a sense of purity, serenity and wholeness. Today I create my own rituals that help me uplift my mood, feel emotionally cleansed, cleansing the area I live in etc.

One of my favorite morning rituals is simply to light an incense stick after my morning meditation and also set an intention that my day be as fragrant as thSanta Cruz - Montarae incense. At times when I feel driven, I also light up candles, place a jar of water next to the candles, bring in a basil leaf(earth element) and play my Tibetan cymbals. I also incorporate dancing when I feel like itJ. This whole ritual which lasts 15-20 minutes helps me reconnect with myself and feel lighter. A very common activity that we perform everyday i.e. taking a shower can be transformed into a ritual by utilizing the power of intention. You may set an intention that every droplet of water takes away all the dirt and enhances the overall health of your body. Like any other thing when this ritual becomes ‘another thing to do’, please stop it and renew it.

Fire, water and earth seem to have some transformative properties which perhaps why major religions choose to bury or cremate bodies of individuals. Air is ever present and provides movement to any other element. I believe that rituals add fuel to setting your intentions in motion. Feel free to use it for weight loss (as mentioned by Marianne Williamson in her book titled A course in Weight Loss), attracting love, enhancing your career etc. Take practices from any religion that appeal to you and make it your own. When you are connected with your heart, I don’t know that you could do any harm or go wrong!